My Stupid Juice "Cleanse"
(Original post date - May 23, 2016)
I’ve decided to do a 3-day juice cleanse. Actually I decided in 2008 to do a 3-day juice cleanse. And after 2,920 days, give or take, on my to do list, the time is now. Recently I quit my job to pursue acting, so obviously I have ample free time for lallygagging, tv watching (what I like to call “research”) and juicing.
The internet has so many options to choose from, but it’s hard to know whether or not any of these are actually going to do anything for me. A local, healthy, juicing type store near my gym offers a bunch of different exciting cleansing programs for different maladies. One for weight loss, one for diabetes, colon, etc. Given my brave (or reckless - you decide) decision to become an actor, it’s probably best not to be throwing what money I do have into the wind. So I’m opting to use their “recipe” for the colon cleanse and buy everything myself. It only lists the ingredients and not how much of each, so I’m sort of making it up as I go.
Upon reading the pamphlet, I sadly realized that you can’t just jump in to the deep end of a cleanse. You have to ease in at the shallow end first, eating only fruits, vegetables and raw cashews for a few days before you start. This is difficult when your regular diet mainly consists of cheese and bread and cheese and buckets of olives. Plus, you also have to ease back out. So my 3-day juice cleanse turns into more like a 7-day hell.
But we’ll see.
Day 1: Easing in
Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs and half an avocado
According to the pamphlet, I’m not allowed to have eggs, but whatever.
Lunch: a salad consisting of iceberg lettuce, carrots, cucumber, orange bell pepper, with a splash (or several splashes) of white balsamic vinegar.
Eating this made me feel angry inside because normally I look forward to lunch time which for me equals big-ole-sandwich time.
Snack: nuts and berries
You’re not supposed to have sugar, but I’m pretty sure the dried cranberries in this mix were full of that. Oh well.
Dinner: ½ of a large white sweet potato, spinach, tomatoes, and mushrooms
Snack: raw cashews
Not as plain or gross as I expected them to be
I haven’t even gotten to the juice part and I’m already in the bathroom quite a bit. If you catch my drift.
Day 2: More easing in
Breakfast: 2 eggs, half an avocado
Lunch: more iceberg lettuce, carrots, peppers, tomatoes, and this time with regular balsamic vinegar. Then I threw the other half of the white sweet potato from the night before into the leftover vinegar and ate that.
Snack: raw cashews, raw cashews, raw cashews, and an apple
I’m starving.
Dinner: A pile of spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, and lots of asparagus
To hell with worries of smelly pee.
Snack: Frozen mango
Thanks to Krista for opening my eyes to what a treat this can be.
It’s a good thing I’m not working 40 hours a week anymore because I have been in the bathroom very many times today.
Day 3: Begin juicing (and drinking a lot of water)
9:00am: About 3 green apples
This only made about 8 oz of juice, and I think you need more like 16oz, but it’s a start.
And if you’re gonna start a juice cleanse, this is a lovely way to begin. The juice was delicious, and I don’t even like apple juice. Fresh green apples are the way to go.
Side note: I feel like my juicer wasn’t *fully* juicing so I would take the pulp and run it through a second time to get more out of it. It’s just a lot messier and more work to do. But if you’re just at home juicing and peeing and watching Better Call Saul, might as well put in a little extra work.
11:00am: 3 green apples, 2 carrots, 1 beet
This made closer to 12 oz, and was also delicious, but made my tongue and mouth very red.
Also when I cleaned out the juicer, the pulp looked like rainbow cookies. So beautiful. And so disappointing that it wasn’t really rainbow cookies.
I had to make a run to the grocery store to get more supplies, and I pretty much had to pee the entire time. The list of ingredients for this cleanse should also include diapers.
1:00pm: 3 green apples, 4 celery sticks, 1 beet
I was supposed to put ginger in there too but I forgot and I’m okay with that because I sort of hate liquified ginger.
This one made 16 oz of juice, and halfway through I’m feeling full, but not satisfied because all I want is a whole bag of chips.
3:00pm: 7 carrots, 1 garlic clove, small piece of ginger, bunch of parsley
I was hesitant to put the ginger and the garlic in but I did it anyway, and I’m glad I did because I think it makes it taste a little more like lunch. Who knew a little garlic juice could be so satisfying after only half a day of fruits.
Seems like everywhere I look, people are eating delicious items such as Chex Mix and hamburgers. Ugh.
5:45pm: 2 carrots, 1 beet, bunches of both kale and spinach
This was alright, but at this point I’m so hungry that I feel so sorry for myself. What did I get myself into?
8:00pm: Hot water, lemon, agave, cayenne pepper
I might have sprinkled just a bit too much cayenne, but it was bearable. This was supposed to be alkaline water, agave, cayenne and wheatgrass. But I didn’t know where to get wheatgrass. Tomorrow I might go to that local, healthy, juicing type store and see if they can just juice me up some wheatgrass.
Day 4: Rinse and repeat
In the bathroom I discovered my poop was looking extra beautiful this morning. A lovely burgundy color from all the beets. Now back to juicing.
9:00am: 4 green apples
11:00am: 3 green apples, 2 carrots, 1 beet
1:00pm: 3 green apples, 4 celery sticks, 1 beet, ginger
This time I remembered to add the ginger and it was not that noticeable. So me and liquified ginger can be friends again.
You’re not supposed to pre-make these juices because the nutrients evaporate into the clouds if you don’t ingest them right away or some such thing, but I have an audition today, so I will make my next “meal” now and bring it with me.
4:00pm: 7 carrots, 1 garlic clove, small piece of ginger, bunch of parsley
I did not feel like drinking this concoction on the bus, so I waited until I got home.
I forgot I was supposed to meet a friend to chat and discuss the details of her recent engagement. We planned to meet at a diner. This was brutal. I ordered a hot water with lemon and honey (because they didn’t have agave, of course). I was salivating over dishes being delivered all around me, things I don’t normally even order, like matzah ball soup and french onion soup. And burnt hamburgers. God, I can’t wait to eat a hamburger.
8:00pm: 2 carrots, 1 beet, bunches of both kale and spinach
I also pre-made this and brought it with me to the diner, but felt like a weirdo to bring it out of my bag, so I drank it in the car ride home. I hated every second of it. This is my least favorite juice.
9:45pm: More hot water with lemon, cayenne, and agave
I was too lazy to find any wheatgrass.
Day 5: I’m in the home stretch. I can do this!
9:00am: 4 green apples
11:00am: 3 green apples, 2 carrots, 1 beet
1:00pm: 3 green apples, 4 celery sticks, 1 beet, ginger
You’re supposed to be moving your bowels, but over the last 2 days that hasn’t happened much, so I was about to set off in search of some Yogi laxative tea, per my mom’s advice. Right as I was getting ready to leave, I had to run to the bathroom. So no need for that tea after all.
5:00pm: 7 carrots, 1 garlic clove, small piece of ginger, bunch of parsley
8:00pm: 2 carrots, 1 beet, bunches of both kale and spinach
My juicer might not be high enough quality because there were small pieces of non-liquified kale in here and it made me feel a little bit like vomiting. It also gave me a touch of heartburn. I’m glad I never have to drink this again.
10:00pm: Hot water with lemon, cayenne, and agave
Day 6: Hallelujah, back to solid foods
Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs with salt and pepper
I had to do some dental hygiene work as a temp at a new office. I was nervous that my stomach would make scary noises in someone’s ear, but it wasn’t too bad.
Snack: Nuts and berries
Lunch: Half a can of macaroni and bean soup (not delicious), an apple
I’m off to Anthony’s house to play Nintendo.
Snack: So many glorious Cheez-Its
We went to TGIFridays and almost had to live there for how slow the service was.
Dinner: Chicken, spinach, mushrooms, squash, tomatoes, mozzarella
Glass of wine
In Conclusion:
I seem to have survived this juice cleanse, but I reckon I won’t be doing it ever again. I don’t feel like it did much for me other than make me feel skinnier which isn’t terrible, but my purpose was to detox and I don’t know that that happened. Some say juice cleanses are a farce and some swear by them, but my takeaway from this whole experience is that I should eat more fruits and vegetables and I may even do a little juicing here and there but not in place of regular meals. And when I become a successful actor and win my first Oscar (like my aunt believes I’m capable of…don’t anyone hold their breath) I’ll just have my chef take care of my juicing needs.